You know I’ve found an interesting correlation between being unhappy and being on tumblr. It seems to me that the levity and joy of tumblr is a safe haven for me in my times of fury and sadness. Entertain me tumblr.
It’s funny how long we carry around our parents scars. The story of our mothers and fathers. Their love, their pain, their loneliness, their pride, their kindness and loss. You think you see it and live it alongside them and let it go as they do but it stays with you. Like an invisible tattoo on your heart.
The worst type of crying is when you are lying in bed, hands over your mouth. Your face scrunches up and you let out that first gasp. The tears are running down your face onto your pillow and you cry and cry so much that you can’t breathe. You ask whoever’s up there, “Why? Why me?” You sob, trying to gasp breaths in between without being loud. You have one hand on your heart and the other on your stomach because they both hurt. Eventually the tears stop flowing and you are left laying there, numb.
The worst type of crying (via dead-and-scarred)
I dunno I think the kind where you lie on your back in white rooms and stare at white ceilings and take big gulping gasps as you moan and cough and cry is pretty shit.
Or wondering through the night trying not to look like your falling apart as pieces of you fall away is pretty shit.
Or standing on train platforms while people steer away from where you are because all you can do is sob.
But maybe that stuff is ok sometimes because sometimes you just have to do it. Sometimes you’ve just gotta have the worst cries to come out on the other side.
Life is gonna knock on me till I get what I want. The world is gonna slap me when I slouch. Pull my hair when I play and wind me if ever I have the guts enough to think I’m close enough to taste it. And will it ever be enough? Will it ever pay off?
Well it took till I was 26 years but someone legitimately hates me. It’s a strange feeling having someone thinking shit things about you. I mean sure I’ve known people who weren’t super fond of me or people who I just didn’t connect with but to have someone who actively thinks I have the capacity to be vindictive is bizarre. It’s just not in my nature. I can’t remember a time when I ever wanted to hurt somebody or have somebody hurt because of me. Even my worst enemies (which kind of amount to one boss and my brothers ex-best friend) I haven’t even imagined sabotaging. I’ve hated them a lot but it’s just not my style to seek revenge. I kind of figure the universe will sort it all out in the end.
I’m trying to be mature about it and not let it get to me but I also think i need to talk it out a bit and i can’t do it on my fb page because I don’t want my mates to ask about it. I’m worried that she might tell other people that i’m a bad person or assume that any future issues with our friendship group will be because of me. I mean I think the best thing I can do it not talk about what happened to the rest of my friends because I don’t want them to get mad or take sides or try and change her mind.
I don’t think there is anything I can do but go on as is. I just. I just don’t like that I feel like I will be cast as a villain/have been cast as a villain in someones mind and heart and will likely stay that way forever. But I can’t back down from my position either. I really don’t like this feeling.
I feel bad that she feels this way because of having suffered for so long but at the same time I know thats not my fault. I know I tried to help her. And I feel bad because I know she’s going to be stuck with this bad mentality, this wound, maybe forever. It’s not a good way to live harbouring hate and assuming people are out to get you. But I know not only can I not fix that but that it’s not my responsibility either.
I just want her to be happy and I want her not to hate me but I don’t think either of those things will happen. Even if I backed down and accepted her version of events it wouldn’t fix things, it would just give her license to demand unrealistic things of me/force unrealistic expectations on me in the future, I know that. I know it would be bad for me and bad for her.
I can’t help her.
She hates me and theres nothing I can do about it.
It’s not a reflection on me but a reflection on her because sometimes damaged people only want to blame everyone instead of looking for ways to heal themselves/move forward.
I have to let it go. I have to let it go.
I’ve never been good at letting stuff go and I care so much about what other people think.
I’ll try to let it go.
My dad used to say to me ‘you feel so much’ when I would cry or express fierce emotion about something but he’d always say it in this pitying way. Like it was a weakness. Like it was negative. Poor little girl carried away by waves of feelings she can’t control. Poor little thing.
I always used to hate that. I used to hate it whenever he talked to me like that cause it made me feel like I was small and pathetic. It used to make me hate myself when I cried cause I felt like it was a reflection on myself or my self control. Like feeling things made me weak.
Now that I’m older I embrace that emotion because I see people my age and older drained of the passion of their youth. Loosing the way the world used to turn on an event. Loosing the way a smile could feel like a parade or a rebuff could feel like a blow to the soul.
I would rather be buoyed into the sky or drowned by what I feel, I would rather take that emotion and use it to express ideas through art and words and heart then numb myself to the world and pretend I wasn’t feeling it. Pretend it wasn’t important to me or work my way around not feeling it.
I think there was a time when I wasn’t emotionally turbulent and it was wickedly boring and mildly depressing. I thought I’d finally grown out of feeling like a teenager (5 years after the fact) but then the second I started this course it started up again. Which sort of led me to the conclusion that I had an unfair choice - I don’t have a lot of room for grey areas so I can try to live a normal life that would leave me feeling flat and listless or I could try chasing my dream down which has been and will no doubt continue being emotionally tumultuous.
I’ve messed up and spat out the way I see the world. I feel like I shouldn’t have to put on airs and make up/dress up for others if I don’t want to but I can’t deny how differently people treat me with make up and dresses. Not the people that are close but everyone else. All the casual encounters. All the classmates act as if I have a far greater worth in makeup and dresses. That makes me uncomfortable because I don’t know how to feel about it and I don’t know how to react to it.
I live in fear that one day people will look at my art, see what i see, see all the errors i see, see all the cheats and mistakes and say i dont deserve anything for what i make. Maybe thats a fear everyone lives in. I’ve just never had so many people say they love my art before. I dont know what to do with praise. I dont wanna sound like a dick and be like ‘yeah i’m awesome’ but i don’t go in for saying i don’t have some semblance of skill. And i don’t want it to be taken away.
It’s going to be ok. I know you feel like you’re standing on the edge of a precipice with a dark black pit that goes on forever before you. I know you feel lost. Be lost little love.
Wander the hallways, wander the world. See things you’ve never seen. Search without knowing why or what your looking for because you’ll find a lot of other things on the way.
The pit isn’t really a hole, it’s a mountain and you have it in you to climb it. You only have to do it one step at a time. Ignore what you hear people say lies before you. People will tell you you need certain things to be happy. They’re trying to help you but they’re trying to tell you about your path from theirs. Your paths are different. Walk your own. If you fall get up. Cry loudly. Laugh obnoxiously. Break things. Lose things and don’t worry if you can help it. Finally do things you don’t think you’re capable of because you’ll find your much more capable then you imagined. Rock on little one and hey enjoy fall out boy, those guys are gonna knock your socks off.
neil-gaiman
dduane
Pay heed to Klaudia Amenábar's words! Don't let the executives weaponize fandoms. WGA Strong.
My guys it is starting to work, I've seen some people I know complaining about the writer's strike and turning against them because their favorite shows and/or movie got put on hold. Please do not be fooled like this, this is exactly what the corporations want. It can wait, I promise you will find other things to focus, but writers need this.
Reword every headline they put out. “Due to not wanting to give writers money, Marvel has shut down pre-production on…” You can end this strike any time you want to, pal.
"Marvel too cheap to pay writers, production shuts down"
"Disney too greedy to pay residuals, deletes shows/movies"
"Studios cut corners on safety, production values, writing, acting, etc. in order to make more money; won't share with anyone below CEO level"
This.
100% this.
