Tumbling Like Alice (Posts tagged personal)

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

Lost Time

Ok i’m feeling antsy tonight and there’s no petrol in my car and i can’t just not sleep because i have to get up at 6:30 for school so all of you who don’t want a 5 am confession at 10:30 at night should bow out now. 

I just saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower (the movie) and it was really really good. I was so scared someone was going to die or something but they didn’t (i mean other bad things happened but it wasn’t dead poets society) and it finished and I was like ‘wow that was a really good movie’. And for a little while I thought it wasn’t going to bother me but it did anyway. I just wanna jump in here and say i’ve never been abused so it’s not that. Nowhere close to that bad. No-where near as bad as so many people have it. However whenever I see movies like this or read books like this it just makes me feel awful. 

My parents divorced and my grandma died in the same year as i started high school. I also lost all my primary school friends and was bullied and even though I made great amazing new friends that whole experience drew me into a shell I didn’t come out of till after high school. In some ways I feel the percussions even now and i’m 25. Whenever I see these high school movies or read these high school books i feel like i missed it. I missed that chapter, it completely passed me by.

I didn’t take any drugs, I didn’t drink, I didn’t have a boyfriend, I didn’t even kiss anyone, I didn’t go to any parties really (one or two here and there and i’m pretty sure i remember being bored) I wasn’t wild. I didn’t scream out of moving cars, I didn’t flash anyone, i didn’t listen to cool music. I was quiet. I studied. I cried a lot at night. I didn’t fight with my parents.

And it crushes me now because I think I could have done all those things. I think i’m worth all those things, all those crazy, insane, hard, fun things. There are people who are 15 who’ve lived more on the edge then i ever have. And i’ll never be them. I’ll never have what they have and they might have what i have one day.

It’s the first time in my life that i’ve ever felt like i’ve wasted something really important. I still feel like i’m wasting it now. I’ve never even been in love. I used to get depressed cause everyone else seemed to have someone and i didn’t and i didn’t know why. I haven’t felt this way in so long i guess i feel like that feeling of inadequacy just went away. Because hell i’m not fucking worth what someone else thinks of me. I’m not more of a person cause someones screwed me.

But apparently now instead of feeling inadequate i feel like i’m wasting time. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s cause all my buddies in my uni corse are so much younger then me. I WISH i knew that i wanted to be a graphic designer when i was 21.

Maybe it’s because people my age and younger are dying and i notice it now. It doesn’t make any sense. It’s scary. I’ve been told one day i’m going to die, one day the people i love will die so the only thing i can do is make the most of the time i have.

I feel like i’m wasting time.     

personal sad rant not searching for an answer just an escape

A Life Lived In Fear Is a Life Half Lived

I was afraid for a long time. Everyone walks their own path and lives their own lives. We all know the depths of our own suffering and the height of our happiness. And for a long time i was very afraid. I didn’t even realise how afraid till i went travelling. Many miles from my home, my family, my country and my safe existence i discovered how fearful i had been. Not afraid of danger but afraid of life and living. 

Deciding to be an artists and really go at it full boar is terrifying. Having the world say that there is no work in art, that it isn’t as important as maths and other academic pursuits and having art be the only thing you are good at is scary as hell. Having adults around you tell you since you are very young that being an adult is miserable is terrifying. It’s like life ending before it even begins. 

But when i travelled i realised everything i was afraid of was a lie. I met so many different people from so many different walks of life that where happy, that had seen things i couldn’t imagine, people that where fun and really ALIVE. I saw countless kinds of art used in so many different ways that I realised there are endless avenues to follow art down. People make art sound like a dead end but in actuality it is a plethora of possibility. It is flexible and malleable, it is constructive and thought provoking, it is inspiring and moving and it lives in our fingertips, minds, hands, feet and hearts.     

Life is the pursuit of happiness, the people who taught me to be afraid did not know or understand that joy, art and happiness in life is something we must take for ourselves every day. When people ‘grow up’ they get caught up in responsibility, in the clock on and clock off existence, they stop searching for those things that make us tick and click and live.   

All the people i’ve ever met who are happy dare to push the edge, strive to be childlike (not childish), take time to enjoy the things that make them laugh and do what they feel is right within themselves weather they are told they are too old, not experienced enough or talented enough, not smart enough or pretty enough. In spite of the social stigma surrounding outcasts and advertising campaigns championing normality and perfection at the end of the day it isn’t exclusively the smartest, prettiest, fastest, strongest, youngest and most normal people that are happy. It isn’t even the people who take the safe, normal or easy routes.  

It’s the people who do not live a life in fear of what others might say or what might happen and simply enjoy what makes them happy and follow what gives their lives pathos, joy and meaning. 

Sometimes i’m still afraid but i don’t let that fear stop me from being happy or stop me from perusing what i feel is right.

fear life happiness truth personal